I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Wracking my brain for ways to bring back the therapeutic nature of blogging, because recently (and maybe you’ve noticed), it’s felt like more of a burden than an escape.
That’s why I’ve decided to take a break (again) for a while.
I know that my reader base isn’t huge, but I feel that it’s only fair to you – my amazingly awesome audience – that I give a little explanation.
(…stepping up on soapbox now, so just bear with me…)
Although this blog probably isn’t the center of your universe, it’s been a lovely means for me to express my love of all things design (and yes, I still love it!), and to put a personal stamp on my design perspective and identity. For the past few years I have worked with clients, helping them to create a personal and tangible reflection of their personalities. I loved every minute of it.
But something was missing.
Deep down in my heart, all I wanted was to be a mother. This desire, coupled with the inability to get pregnant – and no doctor being able to tell us why, created an incredible amount of stress, heartache, and despair. To be completely candid, I began to spiral into a depression where I felt like someone who was just muddling through the routine of life and it’s day to day tasks.
I felt like I had no identity, and if you’ve ever felt that way you know, it really really sucks. That feeling was coupled with my good friend, guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t pushing myself harder in my career, guilt that I wasn’t ambitious enough, guilt that I was so embittered by all of the baby showers I was invited to….
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
That’s a heavy weight on the shoulders. It’s consuming. It was a time that I relied heavily on my faith, husband, and friends.
But that’s not really why I’m writing this. Because, as you all know, last year we were blessed so abundantly with this amazing little boy!
HERE’S where I’m going with this… Ever since we adopted Ellis, life has been a whole new game. I feel that my life is no longer my own (but in a good way, not the I-have-lost-who-I-am way…). After a few months, I began to work on a couple of small jobs (mostly styling, helping to pick paint colors, etc….), I also began to post to the blog again and something interesting happened. I realized that my heart is not really in it right now. In fact, the more I posted, the more I found it to become a chore – something to ‘check of the list’ of things to do.
It’s interesting, because as the mom of this particular little tornado, I am exhausted by the time he goes to bed (I may have mentioned that one or ten times before…), but when I look back at what I did during the day, I think, “I didn’t do anything!” And yet here I am at 7:30 at night, un-showered, stinky, and completely wiped out.
So then I would think, “I need to do a blog post to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something…” Let me be honest. That’s not the best approach. And I think that the lack of passion has come through in each post. For that, I am sorry.
I wrestled back and forth about it for a long time. Again, my old friend GUILT would pop by. Finally a good friend asked me why I was feeling guilty about it. Well, that certainly made me pause and actually think for a second (Thank You, Mel, for asking the question). Here’s what I came up with.
Being a mother is wonderful, and the hardest job I’ve ever had. I love to drink in every minute with this little guy (hey, we waited ten long years for this!). But at the end of the day, it’s really difficult to quantify the work that I’ve put in. (Maybe you can relate?) At least in regular work-world terms. Blogging was a tangible task that I could do, that would give me a quantifiable result. I think that I felt taking a break would mean that I’m a failure in some way.
I’m finally realizing that I am not failing. Not at all. I’m succeeding in taking ownership of what’s most important to me right now.
So, I’m taking a break because I am choosing to spend more time with my son. I am eliminating the pressure and guilt that I place on myself, and choosing to simplify my life right now. I plan on picking up again in a few months, but right now, no more self imposed pressure (why I do that to myself is an entirely different issue… sigh).
So while I’m gone (and I’m sure you’ll miss me, right?), just know that I’ll be spending my time rolling around on the floor with E, or dancing around the house to Big Block Sing Song just to make him giggle, or letting him feed me Cheerios (…which he thinks is the funniest thing in the world for some reason). I’ll still be thinking about design, for sure though.
You all know I can’t go a week without swapping out rearranging something.
Until the fall…